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bawd extra: The Ukulele King Pirate Project
2003-03-12

don't often mind poverty. Them's just the breaks when you spend your waking hours avidly chasing after whimsy, as I do. Sure, every few months there is one financial crisis or another, but after a day or two of panic I manage to wrestle it under control. I might not be rich, I tell myself, but I am happy. It's true, too — if the Ukulele King occasionally wants for money, he never wants for joy.

But just now I find myself despising poverty, and, as is always the case with me, it is for the most nonsensical of reasons. It suddenly occurred to me last night that I do not have any of the habiliments of a pirate, and it occured to me that I would like to. There's just some days whem a fella needs a tri-cornered hat plumed with a long ostrich feather, and who, now and then, doesn't want to swagger about in their own home brandishing a cutlass and a blunderbuss? I do not have any facial hair currently, but if I had the long, curled beard tied off with ribbons that blackbeard boasted, I might be tempted to do as this famous sea dog did: Stick wicks in my hair, set it on fire, draw my three cocked pistols, and, as H.L. Menken famously said, begin slitting a few throats.

This is the sort of whimsical decision that I inevitably give in to, and am always happier as a result. So I immediately began to scour the Internet for the proper sartorial details of a pirate's wardrobe. They are there, all right, but, god damn my poverty, they are all well outside my price range. A decent hat alone will set a man back $200 or more, and that's $200 more than yours truly has to spare.

So I got to thinking, what the hell? Begging on the Internet is so popular nowadays, why don't I give it a shot? I mean, if total strangers are willing to chip in to help some New York Yuppie pay of her credit card debt, and others are willing to chip in to assist needy young women raise the funds required to pay for breast enlargement surgery, surely there are people out there who are willing to help a lad out who merely dreams of transforming himself into a pirate. I'm not looking for a sugar daddy. Oh, hell no. Just a five dollar bill here and there from those who have it to spare. And the Ukulele King will be more than willing to do what he can to make it worth your while. He'll happily post photographs of himself in each stage of his transformation — imagine it! It's like a Jenny Jones makeover episode, but ... er ... somewhat less ridiculous. Look, to prove my good faith, I will even post a "before" photograph right now. Here is an image of the Ukulele King getting kicked in the groin by a child — a disconcertingly common occurence, and one that will become less likely the more that old Ukie becomes a pirate.



Ow! You know that had to hurt. And here is how I imagine I will look once I have become a pirate, thanks to the miracle of Photoshop:



Oh, yeah, that's sweet. So give a hand, won't you? I promise that every penny donated will be dedicated exclusively to the task of transforming myself into a pirate, and there's a lot of transforming what needs doing. Chip in today!



Posted by UkuleleKing at 3:28 a.m.

Design: Poo