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bawd extra: The Worst Diorama in the World

ere it is, friends, the fanciest freebie yet offered by bawd. For those of you with access to a color printer, a scissors, some glue, and too much goddamn free time, we are proud to present the Ukulele King Tiki Bar Diorama. That's right, you can now build a diorama exactly like the one on the left, showing the Ukulele King reading his beastly poetry in his ridiculous natural habitat, a tiki bar. If you look very closely, you can even see the bawd mascot listening in, drunk as always.

But how do I build such a magnificent thing?

Holy cripes, have some patience! I just got here! All will be explained in the fullness of time. In fact, the explanation begins in the very next paragraph:

First of all, you are going to need to print up the three pieces of the diorama. I would recommend downloading them to your computer's hard drive first and then printing them -- the print quality should be higher that way, and, if you need to fiddle with the print sizes, you can. Just make sure that if you make on piece of the diorama 25 percent smaller, you make them all 25 percent smaller, or nothing will fit together right.

You are going to want to use a high quality color printer for this, as these images are exquisitely rendered in gorgeous full color. The three images can be found by clicking on the links below:

Image one: The front of the tiki bar.

Image two: The Ukulele King reading his monstrous poetry.

Image three: The back of the tiki bar.

Once you have printed up the three images, past them to some posterboard with a spray glue. You will notice some red hex lines around the images -- they are there to tell you where you should fold your diorama. Use a soft pencil and a ruler to mark where the folds will be -- or, if you are feeling fancy, score the images slightly with an small blade.

Now cut the images out -- very carefully! Eat some paste if you like, but make certain it is non-toxic. Now you are ready to assemble this magnificent but very simple diorama. Simply follow the instructions below:

Step one: The back and sides

Score along the fold lines of the back and sides where you have marked. Fold tabs and side walls.

Step two: The middle

Fold the tabs towards the front. You'll then be gluing the back or unprinted side to the side walls, thereby creating a better bond.

Center the Ukulele King piece, glue it's left tabs to the left side wall. Press down, and wait a few moments until the glue has set.

Flatten the tiki bar by folding the left side wall on top and unfolding the right side wall. The Ukulele King piece should now be glued to the right side wall.

This procedure insures that your diorama will fold without creases.

Step three: Attaching the front

Using the lines you have drawn or scored on the back as a guide you will now glue the front to the side walls.

Glue the left tab of the left side wall to the left of the front. Press and allow to set.

Now press the tiki bar down flat, so that the back and side walls extend to the right. Turn the tiki bar over. Mark with a pencil where the right folded tab edge.

This might not exactly correspond to the line you drew previously, depending on the thickness of the paper you're working with.

Buts that is not a problem. Glue the tab while the tiki bar is folded flat. Again, this will ensure that it will fold properly. Press, allow to set.

Congratulations. You now have your very own Ukulele King diorama. Set it somewhere where your friends can see and admire it. Take it to school with you for show and tell. But don't take it to bed with you -- the weight of your body will crush the diorama, and won't that be sad?

For those who want to be really bold in their bawd craft activities, click the link below to download an image of the Ukulele King. You can now place him in your very own dioramas!

The Ukulele King in his fancy man garters.

I look forward to seeing what you come up with. Cheers!

© Max Sparber. Click for republication information.

Posted by UkuleleKing at 1:45 a.m.

Design: Poo